Daddy Dearest
by OyNebach42
Summary: When Anakin finds a baby on his doorstep, with a note claiming to be his, things go from bad to worse. No one believes his side of the story, not even Padme, the Council threatens to revoke his learners permit, and the baby itself proves to be a problem
1. Enter the Baby

New story peoples! I am back with Anakin and all his zaniness.

Daddy Dearest

Chapter One: Enter the Baby

After debating with myself for quite some time, I have decided to write down what happened last month, in the hope that it will keep some other poor Padawan from falling into the same trap I did….. O.K so maybe the main reason is to show how, despite how much Obi Wan insists all these happenings are MY fault, they really aren't. I mean the mere thought that I would… I mean what do they think? That I'm like some sort of code breaking rebellious Padawan? How far from the truth is that?

So I'll start this out where it's most helpful to began, the beginning.

It all started with a knock on the door to my chambers. Not the kind of knock that timid company uses or Obi Wan's stern little raps when I'm late for training. This was more of a sudden boom. One second of loud noise followed by silence.

It happened to be three in the morning when this happened, and I was asleep. The noise woke me, and I did what any other being would do who'd been woken up at three in the morning by a load bang. I turned over and went back to sleep.

That's when the other noise came. A sort of squeaky whimpering outside, like from a kids toy. I tried stuffing my pillow up my ears, and even laying under it to keep the sound out. But that little whine would not shut up.

"Please go away!" I moaned at whatever was behind the door.

The noise only grew loader.

I waited for a few moments then, knowing what a light sleeper Master was. Very likely, since our rooms were next to one another, he'd wake up because of the racket and send whatever was making it away.

"Whaa! Whaa!"

Gritting my teeth and closing my eyes tightly, I counted to twenty.

"Whaa! Whaa!"

"Shut up!" I groaned, pressing my pillow over my face, "Please, please shut up!"

"Whaa! Whaa!"

I decided that whatever happened to be on the door's other side hated me, and was only seeking to embitter my life with its constant whimpering. Angrily, and with stinging eyes I could tell were bloodshot, I grabbed my light saber and flung open the door.

For all of you Padawan out there taking notes, this is mistake number one. If you are ever awakened at night by a sound outside your door, stay in bed. No matter how important it may come to be… No matter how much your Master will yell at you come dawn… Take it from me, opening the door's just not worth it.

Once the door was open, the noise stopped. "Oh great," I mumbled, "some youngling prank." I was about to turn back around when I noticed a small woven basket laying on the floor, just before the doorway.

"Whaa! Whaa!"

I let out a large gasp. Sitting inside that basket, nestled in a fuzzy blanket was a baby. I slammed the door shut, and then opened it again cautiously. The basket was still there. Once again I closed the door, knowing that somehow it must have opened a portal to a different dimension. Only that could explain the child outside my door.

Master's door opened with a whoosh, and I could hear his fury slippers squeaking against the tile floor as he approached my room. "Anakin," he yawned, "what's all that racket?"

There was a shout and inhale of surprise as he tripped on the baby basket. "Good grief! How'd this get here?" I jumped as he rapped on the door, "Anakin, you've got some explaining to do."

Sighing, I opened the door. "What is it, Master?"

"That's what I'd like to know." He shot me an accusing look from where he sat beside the baby. "Have you any idea?"

I looked the kid over quickly. "Nope,"

The baby was still crying loudly, and Master picked it up. "It had to come from somewhere, these things just don't turn up you know." He flipped the baby over like he was searching for a tag.

I lifted up the blanket, as I'd suspected an envelope lay beneath it. "Master-"

Obi Wan had it open a moment later. He read it then to himself his face grew paler and paler. Casting the letter aside, he stared at the baby's face, then at me, then back to the baby again.

"So," I asked, "what's the note say?"

Master didn't answer. Instead he put the baby back into its carrier, and carried it into his room, motioning for me to follow.

As soon as I was inside, Master closed the door and rounded on me threateningly. "You've never see this baby before have you? No idea where it came from? That's a fine thing to say about your own child!"

Alright, I thought to myself, it's finally happened. I'd been preparing for this day for along while and wasn't at all surprised by the way Obi Wan was acting. After being my mentor for ten years, Master had at long last gone insane.

"Master, just settle down," I soothed, "why don't you go sit on your bed, and I'll call the nice men to come and fit you for a new white suit?"

Obi Wan rolled his eyes and handed me the note that had come from the baby's basket. "See for yourself."

I accepted the paper with a flourish, and began reading. "Dear Daddy," I stopped and shot a startled glance to the baby, it gurgled and grinned. "Daddy?"

"Yes, my rebellious Padawan,"

I rolled my eyes, "Master, you're being ridiculous!"

"Am I?" He looked from the baby to me, "Skin deep I'd guess you fathered this child, its blonde headed, has your nose, and apparently your same distaste for authority." He drew a handkerchief from somewhere and wiped a stream of spit up from the front of his cloak. The kid gurgled; I had to admit it was pretty smart, but still…

Master was talking to himself now, voice lowered, but I could hear what he said. "It's all coming together…. Good Force, it all makes sense! The long absences, the night's he hasn't been in his bed, the distracted look, that box of chocolates I caught him with last week, the way he terminates his communicator conversations whenever I come into the room…."

Uh-oh, I could see where this was going. "Master, this is all stupid! I've never seen this baby in my life! They must have stuck it by the wrong door or something."

"Well, if you read the note it came with-" Obi wan began stooping to pick it off the floor, "It clearly states-"

"I'll prove it's not mine! We'll go to Air Space, they have a D.N.A. booth, we'll get this all straightened out now."

With a sigh, Obi Wan nodded. "If that's the way you want it, Anikan."

That was the way I wanted it alright, so as quickly as I could, I drug master and the infant to my speeder.

"Careful with the youngling, Anakin, they're breakable you know." Master rebuked me as he picked the baby off the dash board where I'd thrown it. "Some father you'll make." He grunted under his breath, pulling his eye pads down from his forehead.

I shot an angry look to the creature in his arms, it met my gaze with a dimpled smile, "this is all you're fault you know," I told it, "I'd still be sleeping off last night's mission if you hadn't showed up."

The baby opened its mouth in a yawn, and then snuggled down against Master's bathrobe. I turned my eyes back to the airway.

Air Space is one of the only stores open all night on Corasaunt, the others are all bars and clubs. The parking lot was empty except for a repair man's black and yellow craft. I pulled up beside it and hopped out. "We're here."

Master woke with a start, and then raised his blinders. "Come on!" I urged. I had to rip him from the speeder, and pull him into the store where the brightness blinded him.

The clerk at the check out looked up surprised as we rushed by. I tried to picture how it looked to him, a man with no shirt, dragging a man in a bathrobe and slippers carrying a baby down a store isle. I shuddered, but didn't let got of Master until we were beside the D.N.A. booth.

"Out of order!" I shouted, reading a notice posted on the black curtain.

"Yep!" A deep voice called, I craned my neck around the booth to see a repair man's massive bottom before the control panel. He reached back and pulled up his slopping pants before asking, "Can ya' hand me that wrench?"

I gave it to him, "when will it be fixed?'

The bottom shrugged, "from what I can tell…. Never."

"What happened to it?" Master asked, juggling the child in his hands and going for the traditional one hand under each armpit hold.

"Oh, the manager was showin' it off to some council member friend of his. Well, he tried out the machine, and turns out he's part sewer hog. Didn't sit very well with the senator, I can tell you that. Well sir, he blasted this little baby to scrap, and took care of all the other ones in the system while he was at it."

I could feel the dread washing over me, now I would have to wait for lab results, which can take up to six weeks to develop fully. No, no, there had to be another way. "Let me see that thing!" I ordered, elbowing the behind out of my way.

But it was as bad as the worker had said, sparks shot up from the circuit board, and the gears were fried.

Obi Wan patted my shoulder, "Come on, Anakin, let's get back to the academy, we'll get something figured out…"

I nodded, defeated. I knew what was coming next, an appointment with the Jedi Council no doubt. And I could tell that someone like Yoda or Mace would think I had something to do with that baby. Heck, Master even believed it. For the next month, I was sure my life would be a living hell.

I ended up holding the baby on the way back, because Master said it was putting a kink in his arm.

"I hope you're happy with yourself," I grumbled at it.

It looked up at me, and smiled its evil, galaxy-domination smile, before letting out s stream of barf which landed all over me. Boy, I could tell this was going to be fun.

.


	2. Charged as Guilty

Chapter Two: Charged As Guilty

The next day was my meeting with the council, they'd all had a long debate about if they should go ahead and condemn me, or if they should go through the movements of a real court case. Master was very passionate about the case, so they agreed to let him have his fun.

"Hold still, Anakin," Obi Wan ordered me. He straightened the red neck tie he d lent me, and stuck a white piece of paper on my forehead.

"What tha-" I began, ripping it off to see what was written there. "Exhibit A?"

Master snatched the note from me and put it back into place. "That's for the trial, he stuck another paper on the baby labeled 'Exhibit B'.

I sighed, and sat back down. I was in the defendant s seat in the council room. No one was there yet, the court case wouldn't take place for another hour, but Obi Wan was getting everything ready. I watched him seal the note from the baby s basket in a plastic bag titled Exhibit C .

"Can I see that?" I asked.

Master nodded and handed it to me.

I had read the note about twenty times since we d found it last night, and still couldn t get and sense out of it. 'Dear Daddy', it read, 'Mommy couldn't t keep hiding me anymore, she thought it would be better this way, just to get it out in the open. She needs you to look after me now.' The worst thing about the note was that it was streaked with tears, most likely Mommy s, and made who ever Daddy happened to be look like a jerk. That didn t help me out very much.

The baby gurgled at me.

There was a knock on the door, and Later-Honey pushed his way in. He s one of the council members, and also the resident shrink of the Temple. "Hello, Obi Wan," he greeted Master, "Master Windu said you wanted to see me."

"Yes," Master crossed the room to me. "I was wondering if you would be willing to psychoanalyze Anakin, so that way I can use it in the trial."

"WHAT?" I asked jumping to my feet.

Obi Wan turned to me surprised, "Of course, Anakin, it is always a good idea to have a physiatrist make sure you are stable before you take the stand, otherwise the offence could use it against you."

I rolled my eyes, "Master, usually they do those tests to prove you did something because you're psycho, I-"

With a knowing smile, Obi Wan patted my back. "Just have a session with him, Later, and send me the outcome."

Later didn't seem to have heard, he was staring at the baby with a really weird expression on his face.

"Later-Honey?"

The shrink jumped at the sound of his name, oh sure of course. "If you'll step this way,  
Anakin."

I shot Master an evil glare, but followed Later-Honey out of the room. He looks kind of like me in a way, you know. Not nearly as handsome but a little bit. I'd seen lots of guys following him around like this, on their way to one of his psyched out meetings, never had I expected to be one of them.

Later-Honey's office was a small room, it used to be a broom closet, before the council decided we needed a shrink, then they'd cleared it out and given the job to Later. A long brown fainting couch took up most of the space, and Later-Honey had to close the door before he could unfold his own folding chair.

"Won't you have a seat, Anakin?" He asked gesturing to the sofa.

I plopped down, making the leather squeak. "So what'll it be doc, what to know about my old man? I never knew him-"

With a sigh, Later-Honey opened his digi-pad. "Let's let me ask the questions shall we?"

"Sure."

He nodded and began, "Now, Anakin, I understand you were on a mission the other day, how did that go?"

I stared at him, "why are you asking me about-"

"Just answer the question."

"It went O.K. I guess, I was supposed to find a separatist base on Reedon five, I almost got caught sneaking around, I was worried Master would get mad if he found out..."

"Did he?"

"No."

Later-Honey paused to write something down. "So now let's talk about what you do in you're free time, not that we get very much this year."

I snorted, "Tell me about it, if I'm not on a mission, Master expects me to train all day, it makes it really hard to find some time to relax."

"What do you do to relax, Anakin?"

Now, I'm not an idiot, I knew that he wanted me to trip up and say something. "Really just the same as anyone else I guess. Are we done with this test yet?"

"Almost." He wrote something else, "Now tell me what you think about the baby."

I shrugged, "I donno, it's a baby you know, and it's not my kid, so I really couldn't care one way or the other."

Later seemed depressed by this answer, but he let me leave.

I came back to the council room just as Master was putting the final touches on Yoda's costume. It was a white powered wig, and Master Yoda looked ridiculous in it.

"Um, Anakin, joining us you are?" Yoda asked, steadying his wig.

I ignored him, and sank into my seat next to Master. Yoda banged his little wooden mallet thingy, and the trial was underway.

"Um, began the prosecutor may."

I looked over at the empty desk next to me and Master's. "Well," I began, "Seeing there's no prosecutor, I guess there's no trial so-"

Then I noticed something horrible. Of course this whole court case business was just to please Master, so I shouldn't have been surprised to see him rise, walk over to the other desk and sit down. But it did.

Obi Wan pushed his hair back and sat a pair of narrow specials at the end of his nose. "Yes your honor, the Prosecution would like to began by saying a few words." He turned to me with an evil glimmer in his eye. "The Padawan you see before you is accused of having forbidden relations that go against the Jedi code, if I could you're honor, I would like to point out that Mr. Skywalker has a criminal record coving some six offences, all of which he was found guilty of. They are, throwing spit balls at the senior Jedi, intentionally wounding another Padawan, spray painting the mediation bean-bag chairs, deflating the plow-up training dummies, sticking chewed gum inside other Padawans light sabers to clog the gears, and sucking all the chocolate off of the chocolate covered peanuts in the lobby and leaving them in the glass bowl to be consumed by others. This is why, you honor, that the defendant has been named 'Exhibit A', his own law breaking nature should make the connection between him and the current crime simple."

My jaw dropped. "M-Master," I gasped, "What are you doing?"

"Silence in the court there must be." Yoda rapped with his hammer.

"I would like to call witnesses, now, my first being Exhibit B!"

I slapped myself in the head as the baby was placed on the witness stand. "Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you Force?" Master asked.

"Agooga," the baby agreed.

I slammed my head against the desk again and again as Master's mock trial continued, he called the baby, himself, me, and Later-Honey as witnesses for the prosecutor, and then did it mostly all over again for the defense only without the glasses. I could tell he'd seen too many episodes of Judge Fruity.

His summing up speech almost sent me into convulsions, "Your honor," he began softly, taking off the glasses and crossing to my side, "does this look like the face of insolence to you?" He pointed at my head, which was thrown back as I tried to wrestle a fatal bound pencil from my own hands.

With a massive eye roll, Yoda banged his hammer. "Rise Anakin Skywalker," he ordered, I got to my feet. "Um, find you guilty the court does of having forbidden relations contrary to the code of the Jedi. Punishment we give you-"

"What?" I screamed, "you can't prove that baby's mine, the D.N.A. test, and-"

Yoda frowned, "Need no more proof I do, than video Later-Honey has shown me before trial."

"What video?" I heard Master ask at the same time I did.

Snapping his fingers, Yoda ordered, "roll it!"

A video started playing on the scream behind Yoda, it was of me in Later-Honeys office chair. "Tell me Anakin," the shrink began, "what do you think about the baby."

To my horror I replied back with sentences I had never put together. "I dunno, it's just a baby. I almost got caught, sneaking around; I was worried Master would be angry. Obi Wan expects me to train all day, it makes it hard to find time to relax... I really don't care about the baby one way or the other. Are we done yet?"

The video went blank then. There was silence in the room, except for the sharp gasp of all the Jedi gathered.

"Since we have your own testimony," Mace Windu began, "we need no more proof. Your major fault Anakin, seems to be your ability to make messes, and never clean them up yourself. This time, you will. Anakin Skywalker, the Council hereby sentences you to caring for the Baby, your son, until further notice. You would not regularly have enough time to care for a youngling, with your missions and training, therefore the council hereby revokes your Learner's Permit."

Everything was spinning out of proportion. None of this could be happening, it was all some sort of distorted dream I would wake up from soon. It had to be, but it wasn't. One face solidified out of the gloom, it was Later-Honey, he was looking down, away from me, unable to meet my gaze.


	3. Mem Ulsha

Dear readers, sorry this is coming so late. I would make up some extravagant excuse for the delay, but as I'm not in the mood, we'll just blame homework and school. After all, it is the root of all evil.

Chapter Three: Mem Ulsha

I woke up to see Master's worried face above me, others were gathered around behind it, but they were clouded, unfocused.

"Anakin, are you alright?" Obi Wan asked.

Was I? I couldn't remember. I didn't even know how I'd gotten on the floor. Fainted, I suppose. Why? "Where... How..." I began.

"Self induced amnesia, fairly common, actually considering-" Another face materialized out of the gloom. Honey-Later. Suddenly everything snapped into place in my mind. The baby, the trial, my sentence. I started fainting again, Master turned to the fuzz behind him. "Get some water, quick!"

Boots scrambled across the marble floor, and distant voices babbled. I felt my eyes close with relief.

"Here!" Someone shouted. Burning coffee was thrown in my face. I came up cursing.

One of the newest Jedi, a little younger than me, looked at the mug in his hand, then at my angry face. He hid the cup behind him, looked up and began whistling while rocking on his heels. I leapt for the throat.

Master pulled me back before I made it. "Anakin," he scolded, turning me to face him, "There are more important things to take care of at the moment."

I glared at the coffee assassin. He peeped out from behind a senior Jedi's bulk. "Like what?"

"This, for instance," Something warm was placed in my arms. I looked down at the baby in horror. I remembered that I'd never held one myself while standing. My hands turned to jell.

Obi Wan caught the baby with the force just before it hit the floor. Sighing, he elevated it to my face. "I see as with all other tasks, you are incapable of accomplishing this one as well."

My ego got a new purple bruise. "That's not true! Name one time I didn't-"

Unfortunately, Master has lists like this saved up. "What about your mission to protect Senator Amidala?"

"I protected her."

Obi Wan nodded, "after ending up in a Genosian Arena and almost getting her killed."

That one was low even for Master. I'm still beating myself up to this day that I let it go that far. "I'll take care of it!" I snapped, ripping the baby out of Master's force power. 'And get to the bottom of this mess with Honey-Later' I thought to myself. I hadn't forgotten how he'd messed with the trial.

"Good," Master nodded, "but I think you'd better have some training first, just until you can handle it on your own."

I rolled my eyes. "I suppose aside from being a Jedi, you're also a baby expert."

He gave a modest smile, "I wouldn't call myself an expert perse…"

"So you're going to be teaching me how to take care of this thing?" I moaned, dreading the hours of torture I knew lay ahead.

"No, actually now that I'm no longer responsible for your training, I'm going to take a much needed vacation." He got this faraway look in his eye, and I could tell he was thinking of sand, surf, and Shish Kabob, Padme's handmaiden. "But never fear Anakin, I think your training in baby matters can be handled by no one more experienced than Mem Ulsha.

Mem Ulsha! The very name sent a wave of panic through me. Since I was already nine when recruited as a Padawan, I never had to spend anytime as a ward of that woman, thank force, though she had watched me once or twice when Master was on missions those first few years. I still have nightmares about the large, mono-browed, hairy woman who ruled the younglings with an iron fist.

And so, Master drug me over to the younglings' compound. Our fingerprints were scanned, and after being x-rayed and put through a metal detector, we were admitted into the building.

The sight of the rainbow colored walls brought back bad memories of days spent praying for Obi Wan's speedy return.

Mem Ulsha looked the same as always. Her mono-brow sank even lower when she noticed me, and she shuffled over to me, a youngling under each arm.

"Well Anakin, you've grown," her gruff voice sent chills up my spine. "Though you still look as awkward and thin as you were when you first came here! Obi Wan," she turned to Master, "been taking seconds I see."

Obi Wan coughed to try and cover up sucking in his gut, and muttered, "Mem,"

Mem Ulsha deposited one of the babies she was carrying into a play pin, and gestured to the one I was holding. "That yours?"

"No more than it is anyone else's."

Mem grunted, "Don't lie to me, Anakin Skywalker. I heard all about your trial." She took baby and studied it. "Looks enough like you,"

I rolled my eyes, and Master stepped on my foot. He was already in full retreat by the time I turned to glare at him.

"Well," Mem continued once Obi Wan was out of earshot, "I'm glad someone finally had the guts to break that accursed code. Stupidest thing the Council has thought of since the light sabers with built in thermal detonators!" I shuddered again; Mem Ulsha talking about relationships is enough to freak anyone out.

Mem pulled a face even more gruesome then the one she always wore. "Whoever was supposed to take care of this baby sure didn't do a good job. This diaper should have been changed a while ago."

At the word 'diaper', one of the nursery robots rolled up. It was a long tray on wheels. White gloved hands reached out of it to take the baby.

"I think we'll handle this one ourselves, Bruce." My mentor in all things baby announced.

The hands retracted with a beep and whistle. A stack of diapers and a box of wipes appeared in their place. Mem laid the baby on the table and began undoing the snaps on its clothes. "Come on, Anakin, this is where your learning starts."

I stared at the baby's now exposed diaper. "You don't mean…."

"Yep, it's all yours."

There have only been two times that I felt doom trying to strangle me from behind. Once was when the first time Master told me I wasn't ready for the trials, and the other was then, standing across from that baby's diaper.

I guess its outfit had been blocking some of the smell, because once Mem undressed the baby, I could feel the hairs inside my nose curling.

"Here," Mem handed me a black gas mask, "lots of first timers find it easier if they use this."

I strapped on the mask, and gingerly undid the straps above the baby's legs. When the diaper front fell down, I could all put see the mushroom cloud rising.

"Oh Force!" I wheezed. It was worse that I had ever imagined.


End file.
